We often hear people in government and elsewhere chanting the same tired old mantra about marriage – that it is a cure-all for society’s ills and is the most beneficial form of family unit known to man. But these same people gloss over the complex truth about marriage.
Togetherness for the sake of it, does not create true intimacy or meaningful relationships and the reality about marriage is that, like all complex and multi-dimensional things, it is a gamble, a terrible risk and of those who take that risk, only a few lucky ones get it right the first time round, with even less being able to manage that risk as time goes on. This is because human beings change and evolve over time, as is natural and healthy and sometimes, two people who start life out together with the same perspective, can find that their spouse becomes a relative stranger, over time.
What makes the difference between a stable childhood and a volatile one, is conflict and that conflict can and does exist within marriage and although politicians and think tanks fail to address this issue, it is a very real one – marriage can harbour and perpetuate the worst forms of conflict and children are not immune to those experiences, just because their parents are married.
So at Researching Reform, we thought we would turn the often cursed and stigmatised notion of divorce on its head and offer another point of view. That divorce can sometimes save lives.
The notion of child suicide and marital conflict came to us because we know of several children who have died intentionally, who took their own lives because their parents were not there for them, too rooted in their own marital conflicts and personal problems to give their children the love and support they needed and in turn, those children eventually gave up trying to get noticed in conventional ways and made their point by exiting this world, at which point, having acquired their parents’ attention, it was too late.
But no-one ever talks about marital conflict and the effect it has on children in quite the same way they talk about divorce and the ways that can impact children today. Yet if you take a look around the internet, there are in-depth studies on the subject, which confirm that marital conflict is a killer, not just for adults but for children, too.
In fact, a startlingly high percentage of children in conventional marital set-ups have thought about committing suicide, and it is clear that counsellors regularly note that conflict rather than divorce is the cause for children feeling unstable in the family home.
And yet, parents remain resolute to stay together, for the sake of their children. But what does this really mean in practice? Recent research indicates that inter-parental conflict has a very real and significant impact on children, causing them to internalise behavioural problems, such as depression and low self-esteem. From continuous arguments, to violent interactions, all these things have a direct impact on children, whether verbal or physical and the longer these forms of communication play out in the family unit, the more likely a child is to start to suffer the impact of an unstable marriage.
A little while back we posted a conversation we overheard in a cafe about the notion of staying together for the kids. It was a raw conversation, but the two gentlemen having it made an excellent point. What are we teaching our children, if we stay in a marriage where all love is gone and behaviour is no longer healthy? What communication skills, survival skills and behavioural patterns are we passing on?
Divorce is not a pleasant experience and it can and does affect children. But when marriage breaks down and there is clearly nothing that can save it (and all the people we know at least who decide to divorce never make the decision lightly), surely moving away from an empty vessel, to a more meaningful future, makes sense. Divorce is not always the answer, but it is not the enemy within.
Elizabeth Moore (@ElizabethMoor31) said:
I see the logo re psychiatrist and think back to my separation and up comes the memory of my son wanting to commit suicide because of violence in our home previously and because the family court had ordered our son back into it.
The doctor blamed me for my son’s mental health- for daring to leave this violent man and not stay in the marriage for the sake of the children.
Of course PAS was used in court as an excuse- even when my son told the judge ” either he/father dies or I commit suicide, but one of us has to go”
The doctor told my son to hurry up and have his mental breakdown- famous doctor now of course.
I learned recently that family court judges know that all they have to do to force children to comply with visiting and staying with violent parents is to BREAK THEM DOWN, by using techniques like mental torture, leaving them sealed in the same room as the perpetrator until their spirit breaks and they disaasociate in order to survive.
That is child destruction at its best and as a professional I was horrified to witness all this happen to innocent children.
My son is adult now and thanks me regularly for leaving that house, loosing everything we had, photos, etc because it was worth it for his sanity as we lived in peace.
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Natasha said:
I’m really not a fan of the movement around PAS; I think it’s ill conceived and to my mind at least is not a ‘syndrome’ as many would like to label it.
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Thomas Valenti said:
Bravo Natasha! I am never disappointed when I visit Researching Reform. You always seem to strike a chord with your thought provoking posts. We all appreciate what you do. Thank-you.
Tom
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Natasha said:
Tom, thank you so much for your kind message. I’m grateful to you and to everyone who is kind enough to visit Researching Reform and pause a while.
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Mehrnaz Allawi said:
Brilliantly put Natasha, I agree with you entirely. I attribute my sanity, not so much in childhood but later life, to the fact that my parents divorced early on in my life and I have absolutely NO memory of their fighting. In fact the only thing that made me suffer in the divorce process was being separated from my mother at a young age, something the courts still do not seem to comprehend.
To experience conflict inside a home for a child must be far worse than having to see them separately.
If my parents had not divorced I can guarantee that I would not have seen the love and care and tranquillity growing up that I saw from each parent. So for couples to stay together for the sake of the children is an argument they believe because it suits them for other reasons…….maybe financial?
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Natasha said:
Hello! Thank you for your comment. Yes, marriage is complex in many ways and dependency is, I think, a very important issue. Living your life with another person inevitably means that the balance of power shifts and lifts from one person to another always in the first instance and sometimes further on down the relationship, depending on whether one spouse begins to earn an income or simply gains an emotional hold over the other. In some cases, this means that parents will stay together because they fear ruining the quality of life their children have in a marriage set up, where income is not split in half and in other cases, it means staying because the spouse is afraid of life without the other, whether due to conventional forms of dependenacy like financial and lifestyle ones or at worst, a dependency within a violent relationship, which is a more aggravted form of psychological vulnerability.
Marriage is a complex affair. It’s time we talked openly and compassionately about its many shades.
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Jonathan James said:
“only a few lucky ones get it right the first time round.” Now I have to take issue with that, Natasha. Actually, at least half of marriages do not end in divorce, so in fact a small majority of married couples get it right first time. The problem with this sort of discussion is that those discussing it come with their own emotional agendas. Those whose marriages have ended are likely to be exculpatory. Those whose marriages are solid risk being smug and unrealistic. A healthy marriage takes hard work and self sacrifice. If you are not prepared to put your other half first, best you don’t marry and very much the best if you don’t have children.
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Natasha said:
Thank you for your comment, Jonathan. I don’t really see the need to cloak one’s discussion with less than civil undertones however debate is just that: a forum where people can bring their own ideas to the table and discuss them openly and for those who genuinely come to the discussion without agenda, pleasantly. I would say two things to you. The first is that bare empirical data does not account for the reasons people stay married. Not everyone who remains in a marriage is happy. Not everyone who chooses to remain married does so because they love their spouse. There are many more complex reasons why people stay together and so to suggest that the majority get it right first time is something of an oversight in my opinion. And yes, you are right, I myself am divorced and feel that this was the best decision all round. However, I still believe in being with one person for the rest of my life: I would just rather than person was my soul mate and not someone who was just keeping me warm at night and helping to pay the bills.
It takes courage to try and make a marriage work, but when it fails, it takes just as much courage to admit the reality.
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Shaun O'Connell said:
Shame seems public mindset in easy times was to disrupt a contract that both had consented to. A contract of marriage- judiciary brought no fault marriage through the backdoor years ago. Shame. Seems no morals and right are now being agreed with when u cannot challenge a divorce even if the grounds are false, the other greedy or bored. Suggest the Pellman brief in this letter is properly viewed and read..http://www.familieslink.co.uk/download/june07/DCA%20transparency%20response.pdf
people forget and some dont know the truth about the divorce industry set up through this. greed and corruption remain the arbiters of the law. Monarchy, Marriage and Christian religion and even things like home education have all been solidly attacked since the 1970s and i wonder why?
I’d have more rights in an allegedly white British Christian country if I was black or gay etc. Morals seem ignored. Even the jews have their own courts here…Sorry but the worst post I have read. Ask anyone in the past and they will tell you a marriage is to be worked at and yes suprise suprise people have their ups and downs but otucomes were far better….and family mattered. try telling that now to this generation…
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Natasha said:
Hi Shaun, I think there is a distinction to be made between the state capitalising on opportunities and the need for people to move on. There will always be people who feel marriage is nothing more than a contract to be fulfilled, at whatever cost, just as there will always be people who can see that the human condition is not about the upkeep of superficial levels of stability.
Britain has moved away from religious dogma and is now a secular state. Being British does not mean practicing Christianity – it is a much older notion and like all things worth keeping, it must evolve and progress to remain timely and true.
Of course, one should try to make things work, noone who gets divorced will have not tried, but staying together out of fear or necessity comes with a high price.
And it is fine to have morals,to my mind, as long as you are not trying to impose them on others.
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Me. Wings optional. said:
Natasha, I like the fact that you are bringing this to our attention. It’s not the usual sort of thing people would even think about, when they think of how marriages that struggle to keep going, affect children & young people.
Either way, whether parents stay together, or break up the family, children cope in different ways. And it is the ones who don’t or aren’t coping, who need the correct support and attention to any improvements, that can be made for them. In order to avoid such terrible consequences, as suicide. For some children, I’m sure they must feel there is no way out. Kids don’t usually run away from home, to find a better life elsewhere, because the chances are, the thought of that, would be too daunting for them. Kids aren’t meant to cope alone, in the big wide world.
Looking at the situation logically. Of course a child/young person, will be the same as anyone who is trying to deal with their internal thought process, in such an unsettled set of circumstances.
But quite possibly, a lot less likely to reach out and talk about what ‘it’ is doing to them.
Children will be going through a period immense confusion and uncertainty. After all, if children look to their parents for security and stability. It stands to reason, that if all is not stable and secure between their parents, they will lose that very important basic reassurance they need.
Re marriage and the meaning of such. My thoughts are that marriage is a very modern, human invention. In the whole scheme of things (in the history of time). Before religion or law played a role, in the ‘sanctity’ of marriage, we jumped Besom brooms, amongst many other quaint(?) old traditions, or we just stayed in tribes or some-such.
A child, born in whatever period of time, or living through whatever set of rules, would still be affected, by what their parents are subjecting them to.
Thankfully we are not living in past times and therefore, more should be done to help those children/young people.
(I hope I’m making sense, as I did actually start this much earlier and got interrupted, had to come back to finish my half-baked comment)!
Evie
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Natasha said:
Thank you for your comment; it made perfect sense and thank you too for your kind words.
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Mehrnaz Allawi said:
“their own emotional agendas” can also be translated as “experience” Jonathan. If the records show that half the marriage work because they don’t end up in the divorce courts then I suggest you do a survey of how many couples stay together in unhappy marriages for, as Natasha very correctly put it, dependency issues. Just because people don’t get divorced does not mean they are happily married. Yes, I agree marriage takes a great deal of hard work and without adding my “emotional agenda” have been married for over 30 years so I talk from experience.
I totally agree with Natasha, it is very much a question of luck if you get marriage right at a young age, however I am sure the statistics will show that people are getting married at a far later stage in their lives nowadays. Probably a good thing as they are more mature and hopefully their marriages will have a better chance of succeeding and breeding happy children.
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daveyone1 said:
Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..
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