Our favourite attorney across the pond is still going strong and his latest focus is on remarriage and why, despite the increasing divorce rate in second and third marriages, hope still triumphs over experience.
This week sees him chatting on Big Blend Radio about remarriage with several other interesting guests, so tune in tomorrow at 3:55PM Eastern time (2:55PM Central, 1:55PM Mountain, 12:55PM Pacific/Arizona), 8pm (GMT, we think….), to hear this very down to earth and insightful lawyer tell it, in his usual style…. like it is.
We’ve added Jim Duzak’s introduction on the interview tomorrow and an article he’s written on remarriage, too. Enjoy…..
Back in 1769, the great Samuel Johnson said that remarriage after divorce represents “The Triumph of Hope over Experience.”
Things haven’t changed much since then. Hope still very often triumphs over experience, as evidenced in the sixty percent divorce rate for second marriages and the nearly seventy-five percent divorce rate for third marriages. Why? Don’t people learn from their mistakes? Unfortunately, in many cases they don’t, or they rush into another marriage for the wrong reasons…..
Why Second and Third Marriages Often End in Divorce
By Jim Duzak
Statistically speaking, the more times you’ve been married in the past, the more likely you’ll get divorced again if you remarry.
The divorce rate for first marriages (meaning a marriage in which neither person has been married before) is about forty percent. But for second marriages (i.e., at least one of the spouses has been married once before) the rate jumps to sixty percent, and for third marriages (at least one of the spouses has been married twice before) it’s a whopping seventy-three percent.
Why would this be? Don’t people learn from their mistakes? Well, unfortunately, many people don’t, or they rush into another marriage for the wrong reasons or before they’ve figured out what went wrong last time. Here are some common post-divorce scenarios:
- You may be blind to the role you played in the breakup; the problem was always something your “ex” did or didn’t do.
- You may be stuck in your comfort zone, even when that comfort zone is harmful to you (e.g., you’re a woman who always seems to be attracted to men who abuse you or cheat on you).
- You’re an incurable optimist when it comes to relationships, always falling in love too fast and always seeing your latest partner as the answer to your prayers.
- You fear living alone, and will get married just to have someone to come home to.
- You may be looking for a quick fix to the psychological wounds that divorce inflicts, rather than taking the time to heal.
- If your ex was unfaithful during your marriage, you may immediately try to get revenge by taking up with someone else.
- If you’re a man, you may lack basic household skills such as cooking, cleaning, and food shopping, and will get remarried just to avoid having to learn them.
- If you’re a woman and your husband was the one who filed for divorce, you may feel rejected and unattractive, and you may marry the first man who comes along who makes you feel like a woman again.
In addition, second and third marriages often involve the challenges of dealing with stepchildren and/or difficult ex-es. If those challenges aren’t anticipated and addressed, a remarriage can be shaky from Day One.
The good news is that divorce statistics—sobering as they may be—are only evidence of what has happened in other people’s marriages. They don’t predict how your marriage will turn out. If you or your future spouse are getting married for the second, third, or even the fourth time, you can “beat the odds” if you’re well-matched, emotionally mature, and truly understand what went wrong in the past—including accepting responsibility for your own mistakes or wrongdoing.
But if you recognize yourself or your partner in at least one of the scenarios I listed, you should temporarily hold off on getting remarried. You may need to do more soul-searching. You may need to have frank discussions with your partner, and ask him or her some tough questions. You may even need to seek outside help from a therapist or other professional. But all of this will be worth it if you can enter into your new marriage knowing that you’ve done everything in your power to ensure that you’re not setting yourself up for another divorce.